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Our whole life consists of communication. Both professional success and personal happiness depend on the ability to find a common language with different people. Several scenarios of unsuccessful communication in pairs and the recommendations of a psychologist, how to communicate with a partner correctly.

The love union, no matter how passionate and romantic it is, requires daily work and the active participation of both partners. Psychotherapist Jonis Webb is sure: the most important contribution to the relationship that we can do is learn to understand what we feel and what a loved one feels.

But to believe that both of these skills will automatically make your relationship happy, it would be not true.

“It hurt me”. “My wife was offended again”. “I’m very angry”. When we are angry or annoyed by something, we least want to be diplomats. It is at such moments that communicative skills are useful, the ability to communicate correctly.

How to tell a partner that he angered you or his words strongly touched? How to ask for something important? The way you can convey this difficult message, your intonation and your manner are no less important than those words that you will select.

Let’s take a look at a few unsuccessful scripts of communication paired.

Mark angry, he was hit by the way Anna behaved at a party. She ignored him – although he asked her to be near in advance, because she did not know anyone here. And he decides to express everything.

Type of communication: passive-aggressive

Mark decides: “I

will show her what it feels like. I will ignore her just as next week, when we go to the New Year’s party to my work “.

Expert review. In fact, this is not so much communication as an act of retaliation. Mark thinks that with the help of the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” will teach a girl a lesson. But it won’t work.

When, in a week, he begins to ignore Anna at a party without any warning, she is unlikely to connect his behavior with what happened a week ago. And even if she guesses, his current “ignore” will cause her negative emotions. Over time, such passive-aggressive behavior greatly burdens the relationship with a negative.

Type of communication: aggressive

Mark approaches Anna at a party and speaks with barely restrained irritation: “You only think about yourself! I will never go to a party with you again “.

Expert review. Mark chose an attacking manner of behavior, as well as an unsuccessful time and place.

His voice, tone and words in the midst of a common fun sound so contrasting that Anna is unlikely to do something to delve into the problem and correct the situation.

Type of communication: sarcastic

When they get into the car to go home, Mark says irritably: “Well, I hope you had fun well, because I’m definitely not – no”.

Expert review. In this case, Mark waited too long and spoke out when Anna could no longer rectify the situation. In addition, he did not express feelings directly and with sufficient respect.

Sarcasm is like a hook on the left, an unexpected blow. Anna will feel that she is attacked, moreover, without warning, and will stand up in the position of protection with lightning speed. And in this situation, the message of Mark and its essence will be lost.

Than bad communication skills are dangerous for relations?

There are many ways of poor communication in pairs. We have given only three as an example. If you have learned at least one of them, then you or your partner happened to learn these skills as a child.

There are families where emotions directly express. But more often there are those where it is not customary to discuss feelings. Alas, emotional neglect will serve the poor service to children in such a family, because they will not acquire vital communication skills in pairs.

If you or your partner have grown in such a family, it is likely that the relationship is inhibited by this communicative flaw. Due to the difficulties in understanding, the partner will not hear your messages, words and needs. And that means what you are asking for will remain unfulfilled.

How to resolve the situation using communication skills?

Let’s get back to our pair.

  1. Mark puts his hand on Anna on her shoulder and whispers quietly in her ear: “”Do not forget, I don’t know anyone here yet. Let’s hold together“.
  2. On the way home, Mark says: “”I thought we would be together at this party. Anna, what happened?”

In the first case, he expresses feelings in the best way. Does this in real time, which allows Anna to immediately rectify the situation. He does not resort to the accusing tone, but simply reminds her. It makes it possible to show that she does not intentionally ignore him, does everything so that she wants to solve this problem, and did not defend herself.

In the second case, Anna does not have the opportunity to immediately correct the situation – the party is over. But the tone of the brand is still calm, non-aggressive.

Asking questions, not affirming anything, you avoid the accusing tone. In addition, give a person the opportunity to explain everything without justification. This opens the way to the dialogue, and does not cause an automatic defense reaction or response.